Using anecdotes in English language classroom

* An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

* One day many years ago at a school in South London a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give $20 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either. Finally, a Gujarati boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Jayant, come up here and I'll give you the $20." As the teacher was giving Jayant his money, she said, "You know Jayant, since you are Gujarati, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." Jayant replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Lord Krishna, but business is business!"

ESLjokes.net

* POLAR BEAR CUB: Mum, am I a real polar bear?

POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Yes, dear, of course you are.

POLAR BEAR CUB: Really?

POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Yes, son. I'm a polar bear. Your dad's a polar bear. Your grandparents are polar bears. Your sisters are polar bears. Your brothers are polar bears.

POLAR BEAR CUB: I know that, mum. But am I a real polar bear?

POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Of course you are. Be quiet and eat your fish.

POLAR BEAR CUB: But I'm not a polar bear, I'm sure.

POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Listen to me. You are a real polar bear. Why do you ask the same question again and again?

POLAR BEAR CUB: Because I'm freezing!

* Teacher: What's wrong?

Boy: I can't find my boots.

Teacher: What kind of boots are they?

Boy: They're long green ones.

Teacher: There's a pair of green boots right here. Are you sure these aren't yours?

Boy: No, those aren't mine. Mine had snow on them.

* Mum: Alice, what are you doing in here [in the bathroom]?

Alice: I'm standing on a chair.

Mum: But why are you standing on the chair?

Alice: I'm looking into the mirror, mum.

Mum: But you've got your eyes closed, Alice. Why are you doing that?

Alice: I want to see what I look like when I'm sleeping.

* A young man comes before a customs agent.

A: "State your citizenship."

B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).

A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."

B: "I sed American."

A: "I'm going to give you a test."

B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."

A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."

B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow!"

* Student to teacher," Are 'pants' singular or plural?"

Teacher, "They're singular on top and plural on the bottom."

* TEACHER: What's your name?

Pupil: Ravi.

TEACHER: You should say "Sir".

Pupil: OK, Sir Ravi!

* Teacher; What is the plural of “mouse”?

Pupil: Mice.

Teacher: Good, now what's the plural of “baby”?

Pupil: Twins.

* Teacher: What's the longest word in the English language?

Pupil: Smiles - because there is a mile between the first and last letters!

* Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?

Because there were so many knights!

* “How do you spell Hard Water with 3 letters?” “ICE!”

businessballs, “Stories and Analogies”

* A Sikh, a Muslim, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Jew, a Buddish and a Hindu go into a pub. The barman looks up and says: “Is this some kind of a joke?”

* In January, a goat (Capricorn), drinking from a stream (Aquarius) said: “Look, a fish (Pisces).” A ram (Aries), and a bull (Taurus), carrying the twins (Gemini) said: “There's also a crab (Cancer).” A lion (Leo) roared in agreement, which startled the young maiden (Virgo) so that she dropped and smashed her scales (Libra). “That's no crab - it's a scorpion (Scorpio),” said the archer (Sagittarius).

* A thief was caught after stealing some paintings from Louvre in Paris, when his getaway van ran out of fuel. Given bail at his first hearing, a reporter asked him on the steps of the courthouse how he forgot such a vital part of his plan. “Simple,” said the thief, “I had no Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.”

· A missionary came upon a hungry lion in the middle of an African plain. The missionary knelt and prayed: “God, please give this lion a Christian soul!” The lion stopped, knelt, and prayed also: “Lord above, may this meal be blessed…”

* A mother repeatedly called upstairs for her son to get up, get dressed and get ready for school. It was a familiar routine, especially at exam time.

“I feel sick,” said the voice from the bedroom.

“You are not sick. Get up and get ready,” called the mother, walking up the stairs and hovering outside the bedroom door.

“I hate school and I'm not going,” said the voice from the bedroom. “I'm always getting things wrong, making mistakes and getting told off. Nobody likes me, and I've got no friends. And we have too many tests and they are too confusing. It's all just pointless, and I'm not going to school ever again.”

“I'm sorry, but you are going to school,” said the mother through the door, continuing encouragingly, “Really, mistakes are how we learn and develop. And please try not to take criticism so personally. And I can't believe that nobody likes you - you have lots of friends at school. And yes, all those tests can be confusing, but we are all are tested in many ways throughout our lives, so all of this experiences at school is useful for life in general. Besides, you have to go, you are the head teacher.”

* A very old lady looked in the mirror one morning. She had three remaining hairs on her head, and being a positive soul, she said: “I think I'll braid my hair today.” So she braided her three hairs, and she had a great day. Some days later, looking I the mirror one morning, preparing for her day, she saw that she had only two hairs remaining. “Hmm, two hairs… I fancy a centre parting today.” She duly parted her two hairs, and as ever, she had a great day. A week or so later, she saw that she had just one hair left on her head. “One hair huh…” she mused. “I know, a pony tail will be perfect.” And again she had a great day. The next morning she looked in the mirror. She was completely bald. “Finally bald huh,” she said to herself, “How wonderful! I won't have to waste my hair any more…”

* Mohandas Gandhi, the great Indian statesman and spiritual leader is noted for his unusual humanity and selflessness, which this story epitomizes. Gandhi was boarding a train one day with a number of companions and followers, when his shoe fell from his foot and disappeared in the gap between the train and platform. Unable to retrieve it, he took off his other shoe and threw it down by the first. Responding to the puzzlement of his fellow travelers, Gandhi explained that a poor person who finds a single shoe is no better off - what's really helpful is finding a pair.

* On hearing one of his students use the expression “I don't know nothing about it…” a teacher took the opportunity to explain about double negatives and correct grammar to the class. The teacher explained: “In the English language a double negative makes the statement positive, so your assertion that you don't know nothing about it, is actually an admission that you do know something about it.” Encouraged by the interest in this revelation among certain class members, the teacher went on to demonstrate more of his knowledge of world languages. “Of course not all languages operate according to the same grammatical rules, for example, in Russian, a double negative remains negative, although perhaps surprisingly, there is no a single language anywhere in the world in which a double positive makes a negative…” At which a voice from the back of the classroom called out ironically: “Yeah, right…”

Funny Quotes, Funny Stuff

* On a hairdryer : “Do not use while sleeping.”

* On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”

* On packaging for an iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”

* On a sleep medicine: “Warning: may cause drowsiness.”

* On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

(Now I'm curious.)

* On peanuts packet: Warning: contains nuts.

(Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open

packet, eat nuts.

* At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

* At a bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books.

* My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

* Help, keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

* On a dessert: Do not turn upside down.

*printed on bottom of the box* (Too late! You lose!)

* On a Pudding packet: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment. )

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

The Small Business Know-How resource, “The 30 Best Inspiring Anecdotes of all times”

* When young F. W. Woolworth was a store clerk, he tried to convince his boss to have a ten-cent sale to reduce inventory. The boss agreed, and the idea was a resounding success. This inspired Woolworth to open his own store and price items at a nickel and a dime. He needed capital for such a venture, so he asked his boss to supply the capital for part interest in the store. His boss turned him down flat. "The idea is too risky," he told Woolworth. "There are not enough items to sell for five and ten cents." Woolworth went ahead without his boss's backing, and he not only was successful in his first store, but eventually he owned a chain of F. W. Woolworth stores across the nation. Later, his former boss was heard to remark, "As far as I can figure out, every word I used to turn Woolworth down cost me about a million dollars."

ELTbase.com, “Sherlock Holmes in Simple English”

the Donkey-Dog